content notes and warnings: I am literally doing a fake eulogy for an unusable vibrator, so uh. Death mention. I guess.

Hello, everyone. Thank you for attending. I’m Ollie Fox, a friend of the deceased. It’s good to see so many of you, and I hope we have cause to see each other again on less solemn occasions.

Today we lay to rest my favorite vibrator since 2021, the Silver Bullet from Blush’s The Realm line. Though its motor remains strong, it has somehow suffered a chip in its faux-chrome surface. I don’t know quite how—in storage, perhaps? One of the times my cat Jinxie knocked it off the nightstand while trying to wake me up? Or simply through the cruel hand of fate? But regardless of the reason, though I tried to deny it, I know the chip makes it impossible to fully clean. Thus, it has been rendered no longer safe. A toy that cannot be cleaned is a toy that cannot be used, and so, as hard as it is to realize, the Silver Bullet is no more.

But how do you say goodbye to a true and loyal friend?

When I first received the Silver Bullet for review, I was skeptical. It resembled a previous bullet from Blush that I’d disliked. But it was aesthetically so pleasing, and then I discovered that it was a huge improvement from the previous line, which would soon be discontinued. And in fact, its motor was excellent, its size ideal for my pinpoint-preferring clitoris, its up/down buttons perfect for an impatient person who hates single-button controls.

Once I got to know it, the Silver Bullet was the vibrator I reached for, every single time I could.

Over time, the Silver Bullet has accompanied me through dozens of fantasies. It was a noble companion to several dildos of note. And though it seemed at first to replace the yellow Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine as my favorite vibrator, I later discovered that it could be used in tandem with it—using the Sunshine internally, the Silver Bullet externally, to give myself ridiculously intense orgasms that made it hard for me to do anything for the rest of the day. It being waterproof made it good in the shower, and easy to clean as well, up until that last fatal chip in its surface. It even brought me comfort (and orgasms) after testing badly designed vibrators that failed to get me off, or could get me off but not well. Sometimes I could use it to bribe myself to complete a review, with the promise that if I tested a toy, I could have a real, proper, indulgent masturbation session with my loyal companion.

The orgasms I got with the Silver Bullet, whether with another toy or on its own, were always intense, and satisfying in a way that even other good vibrators can’t always accomplish. The sloped tip meant it could make contact with the rather picky nerves to the side of my clit without difficulty, and its smooth surface meant that it never irritated. Some toys, even other bullets, have been known to leave me sore because the quality of their vibrations forces me to press them too firmly to get any real sensation, but never this one! It was rumbly, but the vibrations were never buried. I could masturbate for hours with this toy, so long as the charge lasted—and it did last for ages!

Oh, Silver Bullet! What will I do without you? How can I ever replace you?

…Okay, so you’re still literally available for sale. Like, very affordably for sale. That helps. There are also your “siblings” through Blush’s Limited Addiction line. I’ve actually just ordered a blue Limited Addiction bullet, with the theory that if I don’t like it as much, I can just get another Silver Bullet later. The first one I got was also broken but SheVibe sent a replacement, so…we’ll see, I guess!

But still, even if you’re technically replaceable, I will always be grateful for the good times we had together. And at last, I will lay you to rest, by bringing you to my local recycling center and disposing of you safely and appropriately. (Alternate options, for those of you also grieving a toy, include Eden Fantasys’ Project Re-Vibe; if you’re in Canada, Come As You Are also recycles toys. I am not an affiliate of either of those stores at the moment, and have never used their recycling programs, but they do exist!)

Good night, sweet vibe, and flights of dildos sing thee to thy rest.

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Want more like this? Try RIP: Lucid Dream #14.

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