I have angered my vagina.
This definitely isn’t the first time it’s happened, and probably won’t be the last. Heck, sometimes serious discomfort is part of the appeal of a toy—the sheer size of some of my favorite Uberrimes or the 8-inch rainbow dildo, for example. I even liked the incredibly intense texture of the Dildek from the much missed Geeky Sex Toys. Sometimes, I want something so intense it’s almost painful; maybe it’s my masochistic tendencies, or maybe it’s jut because I want such intense sensation that I can’t ignore it, or maybe it’s because it works with some fantasy of mine.
This time, though, I’ve been outmatched by the Orion Invader Veiny Space Alien Metallic Purple Silicone Dildo by XR Brands, sent to me by the ever-spectacular Betty’s Toy Box. And as I write this, shortly after another attempt to try to make myself like this toy, all I can really think is…
I have angered my vagina.
So. Let’s review this thing properly.
The Orion Invader is a fantasy dildo, meant to look like some sort of alien creature’s dick, and at $49 it’s a decent price for a fantasy toy. Purple with a metallic sheen, it boasts six insertable inches, a very capable suction cup base with a taper at one end, a sharply angled head for G-spot or prostate stimulation, ridges on the back, and pronounced veins all over the design for a realistic look, inasmuch as a purple shiny alien dildo can ever look realistic.
XR Brands has released a few fantasy dildos, and many of them look nice. Damien and I both love fantasy toys, because we’re monsterfuckers and also because they’re pretty, but I went with the Orion Invader because I tend to like texture, and because it’s size seemed pretty reasonable compared to, say, the 3-inch-wide Beastly, or the 9-inch Gargoyle (although I admit, the latter tempted me for reasons that are totally unrelated to the 90s cartoon Gargoyles, about which I hold completely normal feelings towards Goliath). Six inches, tapered…it seemed doable.
Damien, when we first got it, was concerned that it wasn’t truly silicone. It was so shiny, not to mention very, very dense. You can bend it with your hand, but there isn’t really much give at all. So they went to do a flame test on the base of the dildo and…it was fine. Definitely silicone. Didn’t even leave a sticky patch like some flame tests, which I was glad of. So hey! It’s silicone. That’s a point for you.
And then I tried to use it, and things went wrong.
I grabbed the toy and lubed it up, as you do, and began to insert it, and was once again reminded of how freaking solid it is. I’m accustomed to fantasy toys having some give. “Tis firm,” I said to myself, Sarah Sanderson style, and kept going.
The bumps on the back were pronounced. Unrelentingly pronounced. I wanted to like it; I often do enjoy sensations like that, alien and unfamiliar. But they just felt kinda scrapey.
The taper meant I could get it in a good way, though not all the way, which is fine. I could get it deep enough for the head to hit my G-spot, which was my main goal.
And hit it did. It was intense. It wasn’t bad, but it was very…lots.
Paired with my favorite vibrator, I could get off, but I wasn’t sure I was enjoying myself. It was pleasurable enough, I suppose, what with the orgasms, but it wasn’t comfortable. The ridges on the back felt like they were sawing into my taint. (I later noticed some silicone flaws back there, rough spots that, paired with the firmness, may have influenced that.) And the veins on the front…the dildo was thick enough to make some contact with my clit and surrounding tissue, and the veins just made it feel like sandpaper.
I orgasmed a bunch and felt weird about it.
“Probably not enough lube,” I decided.
Subsequent tests went with the More Lube theory. As in, “Think you got enough lube? WRONG, add more lube!” levels of lube. I feel like I half-emptied our pump of Slippery Stuff.
It did make the toy more usable, aside from how slippery my hands were. I continued to have orgasms, but it was either so lubed up that I could barely feel it except for stabbing my G-spot, or the lube had started to dry at all and it was uncomfortable immediately. I started feeling like I was having orgasms despite the toy, rather than with the toy.
And once I was done, I felt scraped up. There was no blood or anything, which is always a plus, and recovery was quick; it wasn’t harmful. It was just…not really pleasant for me.
(Also, if you’re wondering, I tried it reversed as well, with the G-spot point at the back and the ridges to my front wall. I inserted it and my immediate reaction was “Nope nope nope nope nope nope.”)
What’s disappointing is that the design of the toy could have been perfect…if the silicone were a few shores softer. A dildo with this identical design but in a softer silicone probably would have been amazing. The same features that I found unpleasant could have been a great, great source of pleasure. The angled G-spot head, the ridges, the veins…if this toy were softer, I would love them.
But this toy is not softer. This toy is exactly as it is, and exactly as it is, I found it really unpleasant.
That isn’t to say that no one will like the Orion Invader. Some monsterfuckers in particular I think might like it for its discomfort, for fantasies of getting dicked down by an unrelenting alien with not-entirely-compatible anatomy. I’m sure it would be great for some intentionally masochistic scenes. It’s not the kind of discomfort I enjoy (I like scratching, but I generally want it on skin that isn’t mucous membrane please) but it might work great for others. It didn’t cause any lasting harm, so if the description of my discomfort turns you on, you should probably buy it. And there are probably people who like texture more than me, folks who crave the sensation of having their holes scraped out like someone preparing an avocado.
The point is, someone is going to like it…
Which I know because, as it happens, Damien was a big fan! After using it, they reported that the firm/smooth texture made insertion fairly easy up to a certain point, which is great as their vagina is still a little picky after their cancer surgery in 2019. They couldn’t insert the ridges and found the attempt painful, but unlike me, they found it to be a pleasant kind of painful, much like the scenario I outlined above. This surprised the hell out of me, to be honest, but it made me very glad that we got it even if it doesn’t do it for me at the moment.
For me, well, I like this toy as a display piece, it’s very pretty. But I didn’t really enjoy testing it. I do think it has a lot of potential. Everything about it was almost what I like, but just off enough that I couldn’t really enjoy my experience. There are definitely toys I’ve learned to like long after acquiring them, and who knows, maybe that’s the fate of the Orion Invader, if I try it again in a few months, perhaps in a different head space. For now, though, I can’t say this is one I’m going to reach for again anytime in the near future. But we’ll keep it in the regular rotation toy box for Damien.
The Bottom Line
I didn’t really enjoy using this dildo…but Damien did! Was this alien dildo just too alien for me? Did my current fantasies just not line up with this style of toy? Or is it just not suited to me and my anatomy? I simply don’t know. It’s not a bad toy by any means, so if what I’ve described interests you, absolutely go for it. As for me, well…Orion is going to have to Invade someone else.
Buy from Betty’s Toy Box for $49.99
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