When I started this blog, I wanted to talk about my relationship, because it didn’t look like anyone else’s. My spouse was asexual, and I was not only fine with that, but I loved the way we connected intimately, and I wanted to discuss the fact that an allosexual cis woman with a high sex drive could have a good, intimate, fulfilling sex life with an asexual nonbinary partner who was more or less sex-repulsed.
Damien’s situation is more or less the same; they’re still nonbinary (though now they use they/them pronouns, which they did not at the start) and they’re still asexual and not interested in traditional sex. They’ve had some pretty significant experiences over all this time, some of which has been discussed (so many fucking hospital visits) and some of which hasn’t (so many fucking hospital visits). But fundamentally, Damien is settled into their identity, and aside from a few little updates, their side of the relationship is the same.
What was that description again?
- cis woman with
- a high sex drive.
Let’s go over that backwards, shall we?
High Sex Drive
I struggled to figure this out, but it turns out, when you look at your amazing nonbinary spouse and think, Gee, I wish I could be nonbinary, too, uh, that is a good sign that you are not as cis as you think you are. That was a first hint…but it took a lot of introspection and discussion and reading and wondering. But yeah: turns out, I can be nonbinary, too, because I am nonbinary!
I’m not going to do a deep dive into my entire thought process right now, or all of my anxieties. I’m not going to detail the questioning, or how I figured it out, as if to justify it. I’m not going to expound on how I’m not entirely sure how to describe my Gender Feelings except “somewhere between queerly feminine and pure androgynous” with a side of “cute blob.” I’m not going to discuss the fact that my aesthetic made me question whether I, like, qualified for nonbinary, like there’s some sort of Secret Nonbinary Faction that’s taking applications.
I will touch on the fact that I worried that, being such a vocal (annoying?) “ally” for trans people, by coming out I’d somehow hurt things? Cis allies are important, and I worried that it would make things less credible, somehow, if it turned out I was arguing on my own behalf as well. I wrote a huge essay about how I was a woman regardless of body, and I had some anxieties that a new understanding of myself makes me some kind of fraud, or invalidated previous things I wrote or thought.
I also worried that somehow I would be seen as copying my spouse! Some of this worry is a younger cousin of the anxieties about transphobes who believe trans/nonbinary stuff is a bandwagon thing, which we are not even going to get into today. Also, my spouse had an ex who copied them in weird ways (like…have you ever seen Single White Female? Those kind of weird ways) and I worried a bit that they would think I was somehow trying to get in on their shit. Which is hilarious in hindsight, because they’re the one who gently prompted me to talk about my questions of gender, and assured me that they don’t really care one way or another, they just want me to be happy and myself.
I will also tell you that I almost wasn’t sure there was a point in coming out as nonbinary. I still use she/her pronouns, at least for the time being, though I’m trying out they/them to see how they fit. I dress the way I feel like dressing. I wear makeup, or I don’t, as I’ve done. I don’t shave my legs if I don’t feel like it, and my hair is short and purple, and honestly, what difference does it make if I call myself a woman or a demigirl or a nonbinary whatever or a blob?
But then I thought…would I tell those things to literally anyone who wasn’t me? No, of course not. And while I don’t talk about every aspect of my life on this blog…this is my blog. This is about me, and my feelings, and my experiences. It’s about how I perceive queerness and sex and kink. It’s about how I perceive the world.
And my perception, as it turns out, is nonbinary. Surprise?
Finally, in our backwards exploration, we reach the allosexual part. Ignoring the fact that the word “allosexual” always makes me think of the allosaurus…well, apparently I’m demisexual.
The conversation went something like this:
“So, uh, while we’re talking about identities, I’ve kind of been thinking I might be demisexual or somewhere on the—”
“Oh, yeah, absolutely.”
“Wait, you knew?”
“No, but now that you mention it, yeah.”
If you aren’t familiar with the term, demisexual is on the ace spectrum, and means more or less that you aren’t sexually attracted to people without forming some kind of bond. For me, I assumed that my high sex drive (yes, I know ace people can have any level of interest in sex, but I always exclude myself from “people can do things” options) and my intense attraction to fictional characters ruled me right out. Even realizing that I’m not really attracted to a type but to certain personality traits didn’t really register as demi to me.
But, the more I think, the more I know. I’m not even interested in people until their personalities show themselves, and even then, it takes me a bit to really get a feel for their personality before I can find some level of attraction. I didn’t understand friends who had crushes on people who they didn’t like, but I figured there was just some quality they liked that I couldn’t perceive. All of my real-life romances and crushes have started with friendships, but I figured that was just…how it went. Maybe coincidence?
Nope. Turns out, I have to genuinely like a person before I can be remotely interested in having them touch my booty.
This was another one that I was worried about stating on my blog for fear that it would hurt my…what, my premise? My thesis? Like, “Shit, of course I’m fine with our nontraditional sex life, I’m on the ace spectrum too, now my whole blog is a liiiie.”
I am also kinda neurotic, did you know that?
But in the end, I don’t think my realizations take away from the point of my blog. And I do still have a point, even if things wander into weird territory.
Here is what my blog is about
I am exploring life on this planet, through the worldview of a queer person. My romantic, sex, and kink life is beautiful and valuable. It’s okay if it doesn’t look like anyone else’s; maybe it’s better, that it doesn’t look like anyone else’s. And I can, and will, spend my whole life discovering who I am, and I can share what I find.
And maybe, just maybe, by sharing about myself, I can help others. Maybe they will learn something new they can apply to their own lives. Maybe they’ll find something that resonates, and makes them feel good and seen. Maybe they’ll be entertained, or turned on. Maybe I can just get people not to buy a dildo with a peeling surface. I’ll take it!
Anyway, ultimately, I guess I’m just reintroducing myself.
Hi! I’m Tessa, the Queer Earthling! I’m nonbinary, and demisexual; also I’m pan, and submissive, and a nerd. I’m so many things, and some of them I haven’t even discovered yet! I hope you’ll come with me as I continue this journey.
Thank you so much for being here.
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