A note: As a cis woman, I am not the primary nor the most important demographic for this toy! As a result, while I’m expressing my opinions throughout, I also enlisted my nonbinary spouse a lot more than I usually do.

EDIT: as of 2021, lol actually I’m nonbinary, but that really doesn’t affect the review.

God. It’s so fucking cute. Look at that little puppy mouth! With the little tongue blep! And the big ol’ eyes! And such a soft, round shape!

All of Cute Little Fuckers’ new offerings are designed to be multi-use, and non-representational, and free of any gender or sex trappings that are so common with other toys and companies, right, Rianne S? Each of their toys is presented as a vaguely aquatic alien “character,” with pronouns and interests. Princette Puppypus (they/them or “the royal We”) is from a water planet and likes “pizza and butt stuff.” Don’t we all, Princette? I generally don’t use human pronouns for toys, because they’re inanimate objects, but Princette Puppypus is explicit on their pronouns, so we’ll stick with those because they’re royalty and we’re polite here at Queer Earthling.

I have a nonbinary spouse, and my biggest pet peeve is unnecessarily gendering products (Check out Betty Butch’s review of “Fantasy For Her, Her Ultimate Pleasure” for example, Jesus Christ) and I appreciate a company that starts out saying “fuck the binary” and just escalates from there. These toys are usable for any gender with any array of genitals, and while there are suggested uses, the company encourages creativity with the toy and finding usage that suits you, personally. Awesome.

As soon as these were available on SheVibe, I wanted one. I went with Princette Puppypus for a few reasons:

1. It was the cheapest of the three and money is tight.

2. LOOK AT THAT FUCKING FACE.

3. They looked like they’d suit a lot of my needs (small/pinpointish clitoral stimulation; a small butt plug; easy to grip for my fucked up hands)

4. I love tentacles, even tiny tentacles.

5. You SAW THE FACE, RIGHT?

As always, SheVibe dispatched my treasure promptly, and sent candy, including a little penis-shaped ringpop which I will never, ever eat. Gods bless. But, of course, we aren’t here for the shipping details. We’re here…for the princette.

Princette Puppypus is octopus-shaped. The top of the “head” is fairly pointed, getting wider at about the same level as their big adorable eyes. Underneath the head, the short neck is much thinner, and then flares out into eight legs, which provide the base necessary for any anal toy. They also have a few diamond-shaped decorations, a crown thing that becomes puppy-like ears, and, of course, THE FACE, with those great big eyes and little puppy mouth.

I’m going to be honest with you. I bought this because I love the concept and the mission, but I didn’t have high expectations for the actual toy. All of the toys look like silicone sleeves with a bullet vibrator inserted, and upon arrival…yeah, that’s basically what they are. (The bullet is supposed to be removable but…we’ll discuss that later.) As you know, I love a silicone-covered vibe, but the plush exterior of silicone often comes at a cost: it dampens the vibrations somethin’ fierce.

Princette Puppypus came with clear charging instructions (THANK GOD, why don’t more companies do this?) and so I plugged them in to charge. Once it was fully charged, I unplugged and set them aside.

Damien was the first person to try the toy, which is fitting, since they’re the nonbinary human of the household. And…they hated the whole experience.

“Vibrations felt rattly. And also, I think the battery lost some charge while it was off the plug. Also, I hated it.”

Well, then.

I plugged them back in (the toy, not Damien) and made sure not to remove them from the plug until I was ready to use them. When I was ready, though, I took them off and went to my bed. I gazed into Princette Puppypus’s cute, canid face, and they gazed back at me. And then I turned them on.

In my hand, they didn’t feel too bad. Buzzy, but pretty strong. I slipped my fingers around the “neck” between the cute head and the cute little tentacles, and enjoyed how easy it was to hold them that way. And then I placed them upon my clit, as one might expect.

Uh. Well. That was…underwhelming.

Liking pinpoint stimulation, I had naturally put the pointed tip of the head against my clit. But the thick silicone had dampened the vibrations so much that I really couldn’t feel much until I turned them up to the higher settings, and then the vibrations got so buzzy that instead of pleasurable, the vibrations kinda hurt.

Oh boy.

Well, I was not deterred. After a few uses, I found Princette Puppypus’s vibrations more comfortable on a lower level with the side of the head pressed to my clit…but then I can’t grip the toy the same way. Instead of my fingers fitting on either side of the neck, I had to curl them around the tentacles, which is a great way to get my wrist to start aching soon because I’m broken. And I still had to press them pretty hard into my clit, because the vibrations were still a little buried. They were there and they were strong but they just. Didn’t. Reach me.

This is also, by the way, the only way to hold the toy to my clit if I want vaginal penetration. If I could get the vibrations to reach the point of the head, I’d still have to move the toy because the tentacles would get in the way of my vag.

But you know what? Holding the toy with the side of the head to my clit, I can orgasm. Yes, okay, so my clit ends up sore after because I either have to press the toy in really hard or deal with rattly buzzing (or both!), but it’s still an orgasm. I’ve had worse orgasms.

(You can also use the tentacle side, because the little silicone tentacles do vibrate with the internal vibrator, but that’s too pinpoint for my Goldilocks of a clitoris, and I knew my wrist would never forgive me for holding onto the business-end of a vibrator for that long.)

Because they’re a multi-use toy, I also tried to use Princette Puppypus as a vaginal plug, which worked out pretty badly. They didn’t stay put. That’s fine, though. They were clearly designed with anal insertion in mind, not vaginal.

Like Princette Puppypus, I love butt stuff. Unlike Princette Puppypus (I assume) I was a little out of practice. But I got them in on the first try.

Here are some things I experienced in using Princette Puppypus anally:

1. The tentacles poked my buttcheeks. A lot. Right away I knew this wasn’t a toy I could wear around the house, because those were so uncomfortable.

2. The vibration felt fantastic. I’ve never used a vibrating plug before (I know, what am I doing with my life?) and the fact that the vibration was stronger on the sides of the toy was definitely a win here.

3. The toy constantly felt like they were falling out and, at one point, they did. Moments from orgasm, too. Just shot right out of my asshole like I was a cap gun. I looked down at them, buzzing away on the towel, while my orgasm faded away, and went, Fuck this, I’m done for the day. I think the neck is too thick and short to keep a plug in place for any length of time, something I’ve experienced before.

4. Unsurprisingly, I had to get out the Toy Scrubbin’ toothbrush to get them scrubbed down properly, with all those nooks and crannies. There are a lot of details to Princette Puppypus’s little face, and they must be Cleansed.

5. I hurt.

It’s #5 that really makes me reluctant to ever use this toy again. I know I have a delicate wee asshole but literally every single time I use this toy anally, my butt hurts for days after. Once there was a tiny bit of bleeding—not enough to be alarming, but enough to make me side-eye Princette Puppypus’s innocent little face. This doesn’t change with how much lube I use, how much preparation I do with other toys, etc. I’m not sure if it’s the size, or the texture, or if Princette Puppypus hates my asshole.

So…that’s the story. I love the design, visually. The vibrations felt nice when they were actually in my butt. But…Jesus Christ. I wound up with a sore clit and a sore asshole, multiple times. I bled for Princette Puppypus. I have seen the face of the enemy, and they are adorable.

Is this a bad toy? Honestly, it’s hard to say. Maybe if you have less finicky parts than me, and you have an asshole of steel, you might enjoy them?

By the way, I begged Damien to try it again for Scientific Reasons. They’re nonbinary, and their opinion—in this case—matters more than mine. For vibration…they experienced nothing. “I do not understand how, but it did not have vibration where it was pressed into my skin,” they said. “I turned it up, turned it up, and even on setting 3, nothing…my labia were vibrating [around where it made contact] but that doesn’t turn me on.” They also (against my recommendations, I would like to note) tried to insert it into their ass. “I think half the plug made it in before it stopped. ALSO IT HURT. I didn’t bleed but it was stabby. The texture is definitely hard and unpleasant to the butthole.” They also found the tentacles extremely jabby and unpleasant.

Now, maybe we’d like the vibrations better if I switched out the bullet. That’s a wonderful idea! They advertise on the box that the vibrator is removable. So Damien and I tried. A lot.

We could not get the bullet out of the toy.

Not only did we both try separately. We worked together, with one of us holding the silicone and the other gripping the vibrator. We could get the silicone folded down a little bit to grasp the end of the bullet, but it still wouldn’t come out. We used pliers, and it still wouldn’t come out.

At that point, we gave up.

So, there you have it. Princette Puppypus hurt both of us, Damien couldn’t get off with them, and the bullet wouldn’t come out. Maybe they work for someone, but not anyone in my relationship. I’m glad I have it, but when I want to use a butt plug, I’ll probably stick with my Tantus Perfect or my Blush Temptasia slut plug.

The Bottom Line

I love the design, and I love the concept, and I love the mission. Maybe the other toys in the collection are less bloodthirsty, but…I’m sorry. This toy left me hurting in multiple portions of my anatomy, and my spouse wouldn’t even touch them after an initial try-out. Maybe you’ll have better luck, but I think if you want to try out something from this line, you might be better off with one of the others. As for me…I think I’ll use it as a very cute silicone paperweight. No one will ever know.

Buy from SheVibe for $59

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This review was not sponsored, and I paid for the item with my own money. This post does contain affiliate links.