Content Warning: mentions of spanking implements, monsterfucking, and images of fake human skulls, fake animal skeletons, and ethically-obtained animal skulls
Update: 10/28/21 Geeky Sex Toys has closed their doors for the foreseeable future; I’m leaving in mentions of them for completion.
Tender lumplings everywhere…
Missing out on going to Halloween parties in this Year of Plague? (I’m not, but that’s ‘cause I don’t get invited to parties. *sad trombone*) Well, I have great news for you. You can spend the glorious Season of Spooky throwing parties for yourself…and your genitals. Whether you’re inspired by some sexy, paranormal smut, or you just want some seasonal fun, here’s my Halloween toy roundup, so you can dress up like Sexy Freddy Krueger in the privacy of your own home, and trick your own treat.
Straight-Up Halloween Weens (sorry)
Geeky Sex Toys is one of my favorite companies, and wouldn’t you know it, they have a whole Halloween section! Pumpkin ball-gag, pumpkin dildo, pumpkin butt plug, it’s like going through the baked goods aisle in autumn, but sexier. Also, while the Bat-Plug is Batman-themed, my bat-loving gothy heart thinks it’s appropriate for any occasion, and especially for Spookymas. (And don’t forget to use the coupon code EARTHLING at Geeky Sex Toys for 5% off.)
Is that a little too on-the-nose? Maybe you’d just like something orange to haul out for the season but still aesthetically appropriate at any time? Orange isn’t the most popular color for sex toys, but there are a few out there! Some might recall me requesting the (oh here we go) CalExotics California Dreaming Newport Beach Babe purely because of its bright orange hue. I’d also love to try Blush Novelties’ 7.5-inch Neo Elite, especially since I loved the smaller version. For those of you who adore air-pulse toys (or who want to try one), I found an inexpensive orange air-pulse toy, although I can’t speak to the quality.
Those among you who wish to utilize a penis need not be left out, either! I found this sci fi-looking masturbator with orange accents, and a rather festive cock ring that kinda looks like a pool float for your dick.
And people of all genital assortments tend to have buttholes, so I can’t forget Hole Punch Toys’ classic butt plug in orange, or their slightly less seasonal but extremely awesome carrot plug. (Hole Punch Toys is based in Minnesota, which makes me very excited because I grew up there, and vividly remember trick-or-treating through snowdrifts taller than my head, and crying because I had to wear a coat over my costume so no one could see it. Good times.) Also, Funkit Toys has released a candy corn butt plug again this year!
What’s the best part about Halloween? Watching Hocus Pocus, obviously, but after that, the best part is the costumes!
If you want to just buy something costume-y straight up, there are some really cute masks, including this really pretty lace-and-chains mask from Sportsheets. We collect masks, and honestly, I’d love that last one in our collection. (I’d also be remiss at this point if I didn’t recommend a plague doctor mask due to my own experiences with a Plague Doctor, but I don’t have a handy clicky link for one of those—they’ve been very popular this year, so no sooner would I link one than it’d be sold out and I’d have to change the link. I have faith in you, if you’re so moved, to find the Plague Doctor mask of your dreams.)
Would you rather try out a sex toy that works with your already existing costume? Geeky Sex Toys has superhero, fantasy, and sci fi toys, so you can easily find a plug to suit your Captain America costume, or a Darth Vader vibrator to seduce your Jedi to the Dark Side, and of course I always recommend dressing as the Doctor and spanking a loved one with a Tardis. Or, if you’ve decided to dress as your level 10 barbarian from your Zoom D&D game, maybe you’d like to try out the awesome interchangeable sword dildo from The Realm? And, of course, I’ve got just the thing for that steampunk costume that you made for DragonCon before you realized you couldn’t attend this year.
Incidentally, if you’ve been curious about pet play or furry stuff, this might not be a bad time to pick up some accessories, since if your roommate opens your mail and finds a cute tail, they might just assume it’s costume stuff. Tail plugs like this black fox tail, or a matching ear-and-tail set, are always fun. (If you’d rather have some that you can wear in public, I still recommend Pawstars, by the way.) Or if you’ve already got the furry or pet play gear and you want a toy to match, the paw vibrator that I reviewed a few months ago is a cute accessory for almost any mammal you or your partner(s) might find inspiring.
Oh, you knew this was coming. But if there’s any time to play with some fantasy dildos, it’s Halloween! (She says, as if it’s the most obvious logic in the world.) Halloween is the time of year when spirits rise from the dead, zombies rise from the grave, dragons rise from their slumber, Cthulhu rises from the deep, and monsterfuckers rise up on Tumblr to write smut about getting railed by any of those.
I think that’s how that works, anyway.
Fantasy dildos are no longer a rare and expensive treat. You want tentacles? Geeky Sex Toys has got your back. Some other sea monster? I’ve had Uberrime’s Jellyfish 2.0 [EDIT: sadly no longer available] for about a year and it is, like all of Uberrime’s offerings, sublime. Maybe you’re more of an alienfucker? Enjoy. You wanna fuck a unicorn horn, you can fuck a unicorn horn. You want a dragon? There are dragons. You want a cheaper dragon? Here’s a $29 silicone dragon dildo. Maybe you don’t know the name for that shape-shifting, gooey beasty you wanna fuck? The Tantus Magma that I reviewed early on is here for you.
Hell, some human-shaped dildos are great for certain fantasy situations. Did you get inspired by my recent vampire content to fuck a cold creature of the night? Get yourself a realistic glass dildo and chuck it in the freezer for a few minutes. It’ll be just like all those jokes from 2008 about whether riding Edward Cullen’s dick would be like fucking a Popsicle. Turns out, the answer is 1. Probably and 2. So?
So, Merry Halloween!
Hopefully I got this out early enough that you can have some fun with your Halloween shopping! You might not be able to go out for your typical Halloween activities, but the spirit of it is alive as long as we have scary movies, pumpkins, and monster dildos. Stay home, stay safe, and have a wonderful Halloween!
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