“Now wait just one minute,” you say as you click on this review. “As a long-time reader of Queer Earthling, I know you reviewed a Colours Pleasures rainbow dildo before. That was one of your first reviews. Dammit, Ollie, are you trying to pull one over on us? Have you finally cracked? And why have you given me such terrible Old Hollywood-style dialogue?”

Ah, my dearest. My beloved. Allow me to set your mind at ease. Yes, indeed, I have reviewed a rainbow dildo before! It’s the adorable 5-inch, a nicely textured but very small dildo that’s perfect for days when I don’t want too much girth. I still use that toy regularly, and consider it one of my favorites. This is not that, my darling. This is extremely not that.

(And I can give you whatever dialogue I like. I am mad with power.)

The previous review concerned the very serviceable 5-inch dildo. The current review is the much larger, much girthier Colours Pleasures 8-Inch Pride Edition Silicone Dildo. Old Fivey is great for days when I just want something in my vagina without too much work. Eight-Inch? Eight is here for the days I want a challenge.

When I received the package from Betty’s Toy Box, I…immediately started laughing. I knew it would be bigger than the five inch, but I didn’t realize just how. comically. big. it would be. I compared it to the other rainbow dildo, and it looked like that “Don’t talk to me or my son ever again” meme. I compared it to all of my other dildos, and it was like Chris Hemsworth walking into a jockey convention.

Let’s clarify something: Colours Pleasures, in their measuring system, does not account for the whole, but for the insertable portion. So, the five inch toy is closer to seven or so counting the balls. So this eight inch dildo, counting the balls and suction cup, is pretty close to a foot long. It’s built for size queens, kings, and other officials.

Aside from just being Super Long Thank You Very Much, its shape is interesting. I think I’d expected it to just be a scaled up version of the other, but it’s very distinctly its own thing. It starts with a fairly small, somewhat pointed head, actually comparable in size to its little sibling, but quickly thickens into girthy, veiny majesty before tapering a bit just near the end. It’s also unusually realistic in that it, like my politics, leans determinedly to the left. Unlike my politics, you can’t really tell once you put it in an orifice. (With its balls and suction cup, it is anal safe, if your anus is tougher than mine.)

The dildo is, like the smaller model, made of squeezably firm silicone—it’s not as squishy as a dual-density toy, but it’s not as hard as, say, a classic Tantus toy. Also like the other toy I own, there’s a flaw in the silicone, this time in the form of a weird ridgy bit on the bottom that’s impossible to see but noticeable to my hand. It’s not detectable in use, though, and just means I have to pay extra attention when cleaning.

I’m going to be honest with you: it took me a bit to get up the nerve to try this thing out. 2020 hasn’t been the sexiest year, Plague Doctors aside, but even without the dip in my sex drive…I mean. This thing. It’s not small. I like a bit of girth from time to time but this thing is, literally, as long as my forearm.

But listen, I’ve got a job to do here, and that job is to put things in my vagina. And by God, I am a professional.

I know myself well enough to know that I’d need a warm-up for Eight, so naturally I used the five-inch, because why not be consistent with your masturbatory aesthetics? I played with the smaller dildo for a while, vigorously, with a lot of lube and giving myself a few orgasms with my favorite vibrator. And then…

The eight-inch was still too much for me. The girth stretched me enough to hurt. And, also, I really liked it. I’d never been much for the “monstrously huge and painful cock” side of size royalty—I usually like any stretch to feel good and filling, not to hurt—but heaven help me, I was into it. The pain didn’t last very long, either, and eventually just led to that wonderful, extremely stretched, extremely full feeling that I’m looking for with a bigger toy. And after I’ve used it, I feel quite thoroughly fucked in a way that doesn’t often happen with sex toys. I’m still feeling it for a long while after and I love it.

Gonna tell you now, I couldn’t get all the length into me. The rainbow striping makes a handy marker for just how deep it got. I could manage about halfway through the yellow stripe the first time I tried it out. A little more time got me to the top of the green stripe, and that’s as far as I’ve managed after a few uses. Not bad, considering the fact that some birth control weirdness has my cervix riding low lately, and the fact that…I mean…you read the last few paragraphs.

(Please note that if you are not capable of achieving any depth or if you don’t like big toys, there’s nothing wrong with you! It isn’t a real accomplishment. I just feel like I achieved something. I have so little, let me have this.)

It does have a fair amount of texture as well, which makes me very happy in theory, but honestly when I use it all I’m noticing is GIRTH. Seriously, I’m trying to do thorough reviews here. I’m like, “Hey, how does that texture feel down there?” and my vagina’s just like “Big! :D” so that’s not much help.

The Colours Pleasures 8-Inch does hit my G-spot pretty well, though not with the precision of, say, the curved Tantus Magma. It’s more like…the thickest part is really thick, and it can’t help but press into my G-spot. It hits my G-spot in the same way that like…Dwayne Johnson’s biceps hit the inside of his shirt sleeves.

(Is it weird to y’all that there’s a whole generation of people growing up with Dwayne Johnson as an actor first? Like, “He used to do wrestling under the title The Rock!” is going to become a fun trivia fact rather than the first thing you think of. Just me?)

At $49.99, this is kind of stretching my arbitrary definition of “budget toy,” but it’s still pretty affordable for a solid hunk of silicone this size. It’s a really fun toy and if you are any kind of size monarch, or you just want to try out something spectacularly large (and rainbow!), then I absolutely recommend this toy. If you just like the rainbow but you don’t want to feel like you’re getting railed by the Jolly Green Giant, then you could try out the smaller one that I keep referencing, or one of these other rainbow toys from Betty’s Toy Box.

The Bottom Line

I’m not up for the Colours Pleasures 8-inch every day, but when I am, it’s a lot of fun! It does exactly what a big ol’ dildo is supposed to do: it makes me feel filled up in a very specific way. I really liked this toy, and you might, too.

Buy from Betty’s Toy Box for $49.99

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