[UPDATE 3-2-21: Betty’s no longer carries this toy (with good reason, as discussed below) so links are now to a product category page instead of the specific product.]

May I recommend some music while you read? Because I’ve had this Garfunkel and Oates song stuck in my head since I received this toy in the mail.

CalExotics new Naughty Bits line has received a fair amount of attention on social media, which isn’t hugely surprising. In a shitty time like we’re all experiencing, the cheeky and lighthearted designs are very welcome. When Betty’s Toy Box invited me to request some things to review, I of course had to try one that was simultaneously pretty and crude.

The Fuck You vibrator has a lovely blue and gold botanical pattern that I would like anyway, and the words “Fuck You” emblazoned beautifully along one side. Beyond the visual design, it’s a pretty simple vibrator, the classic “smoothie” shape that can be inserted but can also be used clitorally. (Lacking a flared base, it is not anal-safe.) It’s a bit hefty compared to some toys of a similar design—thicc, if you will—but still pretty standard in shape. One end features a tapered point, and the other has the battery cap and the single-button control. I…don’t love single-buttons, as I’ve discussed before. I don’t like that I have to wade through all of the patterns to get back to where I want to be, if I happen to miss it the first time. And honestly, battery-powered vibes like this often have a twist dial, which I would have preferred—no patterns, and a lot of nuance to the speeds. But you know what, that’s fine.

What’s slightly less fine, to me, is the fact that it’s a $32 battery-powered vibe that takes C batteries. Who the fuck has C batteries on hand anymore? But okay. You know what, it’s fine. C batteries do last for ages, right? And yes, sure, just because you can find a lot of rechargeable toys for the same price doesn’t mean every vibrator has to be rechargeable. In fact, my preferences aside, there is a lot of call for battery-operated vibes. Some people live without reliable electricity, or they may live in an environment where they can’t safely leave a toy out to charge if they want to remain discreet. So, okay. I’ll allow it. (She says, from her throne of dildos).

Other features: it has a travel lock, which seems a little silly when it’s battery-operated. (You can just. Take the batteries out. But okay.) It also has my least favorite of CalExotics new features, which is the memory chip that recalls the last function you used, but again: I recognize that many people will like this feature. You might like this feature! So yes, I don’t like those features, but that’s not my biggest issue with the vibrator.

Here’s what is my issue with this vibrator:

It sucks.

Okay, look. It’s pretty strong, I will give it that. It buzzed real hard and sometimes that’s all you need. But when I say “buzz” I mean it fucking buzzes. It’s powerful but it’s a very surface-y and, to me, uncomfortable sensation, nothing like the rumbling that I like in other toys. Yeah, it can get me off, but between the buzz and the power, it hurts. I like pain. I do not like that pain. I don’t like my clit hurting for the rest of the day.

But even that, I could forgive. I’ve used other buzzy toys and tolerated the discomfort because hey, orgasms! Orgasms are neat! We love orgasms around here.

The biggest issue was that it kept just…not working. The power would fade out while I was using it. Almost always during a critical moment, because of course it fucking did. If I jiggled it, FOOM! It was back to normal. But you know what? The moment was gone and I had to build it back up and hope that it didn’t fucking do it again. And sometimes it did.

I’m not against edging, but my vibrator is not my dominant. It does not get to deny me orgasms.

I thought maybe that it was a battery issue, which would be a problem anyway. C batteries! They last for ages! If this little piece of plastic with a buzzy motor can drain two Cs that fast, that’s ridiculous. No one wants to buy two new C batteries for literally every single masturbation session. However, I’m pretty sure it’s something wonky with the motor, and that the batteries are still fine. I don’t know what it is, but it has a serious flaw, and it makes me Unhappy.

Look, $32 is usually something I consider a budget toy, but between the issues I’ve had and the fact that it’s pretty outdated in some ways, I can’t say I’d recommend spending the money on the Fuck You vibe. I have tons of toys in my budget tag that would be a better use of your money. Or keep your cash and go and buy thirty-two spicy potato soft tacos at Taco Bell. (This is now how I calculate all things: how many tacos could I buy, and would I enjoy them better? You’re damn right I would.)

Now, that is not to say that there’s no reason to buy this toy. If you’re aware of the drawbacks and you still love the design? Go for it. Like I said: I still had some orgasms and they were, you know, certainly orgasms. You might not mind (or might prefer) buzziness, and I suppose there’s a possibility that the motor failures are unique to my individual toy. If you just fall into hysterics thinking about a vibrator that says “Fuck You” on it, that’s a gamble you might be willing to take! The design is, dare I say, whimsical. We can all use some whimsy in our lives, and if you want to open up your sex toy drawer and find something to make you giggle, well, I cannot fault you for that.

You could also—and I’m not saying you should—send several of them to a political figure that you do not like, in order to relieve some tension. For $32, you could mail it and know that their staffers, at least, will see a sex toy with a rude saying upon it, and perhaps it will even make its way to the political figure themselves. Again, I’m not saying you should.

The Bottom Line

The design is really cute and quirky, and if you’re in love with it, well, it’s there. Just don’t expect to much from it. It’s not that good as a vibrator.

Buy from Betty’s Toy Box for $32

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