So, here we have a plain black dildo with a straight shape, little to no texture, and a fairly subtle-looking phallic-ish G-spot head. Given my well-documented appreciation for texture, color, curves, fantasy shapes, and other details, this is an unusual departure for me. However, I was seduced by one simple thing: A Gimmick.

The Squeeze It 6.75 Inch Squeezable Flexible Suction Cup Dildo sold me on its premise: it’s designed so that, with heat, you can reshape it to fit your preferences.

Upon its arrival, it didn’t look very impressive, but that was to be expected. It was pretty plain, but the silicone was a nice, velvety texture. It has a somewhat floppy suction cup base to make it anal-safe, and it does stick to a wall pretty well. Squeezing it felt like…well, I’m going to be honest with you. It felt exactly like a Stretch Armstrong.

For those of you unfamiliar, Stretch Armstrong was an action figure released in the 70s, with a re-release in the 90s, when I was a carefree youth. He was stretchable, and filled with goo to give him a weird, slow-rising malleability. Every single human being I’ve ever known who obtained a Stretch Armstrong got bored with it within a week and cut it open to see what was inside.

And oh my God, did I want to do the same thing to the Squeeze It.

Stretch Armstrong was filled with corn syrup. I don’t know what’s in the Squeeze It. It’s super fun to play with in a purely non-sexual way, and I have never wanted to take scissors to a review item until now. (A hammer, maybe. Scissors, no.)

Once I overcame my baser instincts to destroy destroy destroy, I tried it out in its natural state, without testing the heat or freeze function. It was simple, but not bad! I like texture, but sometimes I’m a bit more sensitive to it, so this is pretty nice on those days. The head is subtle but definitely hits my G-spot very well. And the Unknown Substance filling it makes it very pleasantly squishy. It reminded me a little of how nice it is to squeeze a dual density toy, or an Uberrime toy.

My spouse, who has difficulties with insertion after surgery last year, had a little trouble inserting it but loved it once they did. The give was very comfortable for them, and the lack of texture or other details was also ideal.

There’s a market for plain, smooth, squishy toys, and at $25, I’ll say now: if that’s what you want, you could do a lot worse. Whatever’s inside of it, the outside is body-safe silicone and the inside can’t get you. It’s definitely a bargain toy, and it’ll do the job.

But, of course, we aren’t just here for a smooth, squishy silicone dildo, are we? No. The copy says, specifically, “Squeeze it, bend it, shape it how you want it! This state-of-the-art dong is ultra-flexible so that it can conform to your demands! Enjoy the phallic shape with its bulging head, or squish it into another shape.”

This is not merely a Stretch Armstrong. The Squeeze It, my friends, is a Transformer. It’s more than meets the eye. There will be several films, and everyone will Tweet/blog/vlog about how bad they are, but Michael Bay will still laugh his way to the bank. Autodongs: roll out!

There are two official methods to heat and transform Rodimus Prime the Squeeze It. The one that seemed most practical to my lazy ass was to microwave it for 30 seconds, then put it into the preferred shape, stick it in the fridge, and take it out.

So, I microwaved it for 30 seconds. Then I bent it. It…did not stay in the shape, so I put it in a Gladware container as a sort of mold. There we go, now it was staying bent. I stuck it in the fridge.

When I checked on it again, it had sprung back to its previous plain, straight shape. The main difference was that now it was cold, because it had been in the fridge.

Okay, fine. Maybe my microwave isn’t the right wattage for what they want, or something. So I put some water on the stove to boil. A watched pot, of course, never boils, so instead I had a text conversation with my sister on whether or not it was appropriate to make pasta with boiling water that had at some point had a clean dildo in it. Once it was at a rolling boil, I dropped in the Squeeze It and waited for two minutes. Then I took it out with tongs, bent it into a shape, put it in a Gladware container with a lid, and stuck it in the fridge.

(I decided against Dildo Pasta and just used the water to clean my sink.)

Damien and I then left for a couple of hours. My long-suffering metamour went to find a snack, spent several minutes trying to fathom what kind of leftovers I’d stored in there, then texted me that he’d found a container of Spotted Dick, because he thinks he’s funny.

But when we got home, I took out the dildo, and—it was bent! Just as I’d hoped! It was much firmer than it had been before, of course, to no one’s surprise, but it seemed to have worked!

I decided to go try out the new, curved dildo that I’d made out of a straight dildo, feeling very proud of myself. The Gimmick! It worked!

Now, I don’t know about you, but my vagina is kinda warm. Apparently, this is a problem, because as soon as the Squeeze It entered my body…it began to revert to its original shape. Within moments, it was back to being a perfectly straight dildo.

That’s right. You can bend it to whatever shape you want…but only if you don’t intend to use it.

It did retain two ridges from where it had bent, but they were not in any way detectable during use. I was, effectively, just using the same dildo I’d started out with, only with some wrinkles I had to clean with more care.

So…that was a bust.

The ridges actually stayed for a long time, but…honestly. You sit there telling me I can shape this toy any way I want. This does not mean “Hey, have some slight divots in the silicone!”

Listen. Squeeze It. You’ve got a nice, plain, squishy dildo. As I said above, there is a market for that. It’s fine. Just sell it as such.

But as a magical transforming dildo, it is somewhat lacking. I guess it’ll work if you’re a Frost Giant or you otherwise have no body heat, but otherwise…nope.

If they’d sold this as a Plain Squishy Dildo, this would be a fantastic toy that I’d recommend! It’s neat! It feels nice! It’s only $25! Yes, awesome!

But the gimmick is, according to my labored research, absolute bullshit.

So, I dunno. I do like this toy in one capacity, but the fact that it’s sold under a different capacity that doesn’t work really bothers me. It’s like if I bought a raspberry cupcake and it tasted like steak. I love steak! I’m perfectly happy eating a steak! But that’s not what you sold me, and I am going to be pretty cautious about recommending your bakery.

There are other plain, squishy dildos I can recommend knowing that they are plain, squishy dildos. How about Blush Novelties’ Neo Elite line? They don’t pretend to be anything they aren’t.

The Bottom Line

I like this toy, but I’m mad at it. If you really want something with a plain shape and want some good squish, then yes, go for it, by all means! But don’t get Stretch Armstrong thinking he’ll make a good Optimus Prime, I guess.

Now, where are the scissors?

Buy from Betty’s Toy Box for $24.99

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