Doug Jones is an amazing actor. From behind latex masks and under elaborate costumes, he takes inhuman characters—aliens, robots, ancient beings—and imbues them with personality. He lends not only his own graceful movements, but a true sense of character, bringing each figure to life. They transform from a costume to a real person that you can connect with, even when you can’t see a face.
Naturally, I’m taking those incredible characters and reducing them to mere sex objects.
I have always loved monsters and other non-human characters in media. As a neurodivergent Queer Earthling, they are sometimes easier for me to relate to, particularly when they’re written sympathetically. Additionally, I’m kinda face blind (I can’t reliably recognize my own beloved spouse if they’re in a wig!) and monsters are often the only characters I can consistently identify within a short time. Is it any wonder, then, that a lot of my romantic and sexual energy has found itself aimed at inhuman characters?
A quick note: this list is pure silliness and not meant to be taken seriously. Anyone looking for actual merit in this article will be severely disappointed. This is also far from a complete list; this consists of some of my favorites (or unfavorites). A complete list would take a very long time because the man has like 900 acting credits.
(Fun fact: whenever we watch a movie and Doug Jones shows up, monster or not, everyone in my house goes “Dougie!” while throwing up their hands. It’s fun. I recommend it.)
These rankings also have nothing to do with Doug Jones himself who is, by all accounts, a very kind, happily monogamous man who was reportedly not thrilled by that Shape of Water dildo. I’m writing about characters that he has played, not him. If you don’t know the difference between a character and an actor, you might want to stop here. These are varied characters from many different stories who just happen to all be played by the same dude, that’s all.
This ranking is from 1-5, one being “meh” and five being “TAKE ME NOW, MONSTER MAN.” This list may also contain mild spoilers for various media.
Billy Butcherson, Hocus Pocus
Billy Butcherson may have been the first Doug Jones character many of us met. In the Disney Halloween classic Hocus Pocus, Billy was once the lover of the witch Winifred, then cheated on her with her sister, the witch Sarah, and then Winifred killed him and sewed his mouth shut. He then comes back during the events of Hocus Pocus as a zombie who is, it turns out, perfectly happy to help our youthful heroes defeat the bad guys, two thirds of whom he’s banged. So that’s a thing. He’s pretty nice, though. He’s got some late 80s goth hair going on.
3/5. He’s cute, has a human face if you’re into that kind of perverse thing, but apparently his breath is not good, and the ex-girlfriend baggage is a little awkward. Also, he’s full of moths. Also, his dick might have rotted off and I’m not sure I want his mouth or fingers on me.
Saru, Star Trek: Discovery
Saru is the only Kelpien in Starfleet. He’s a capable leader, especially once he developed some confidence, speaks 94 Federation languages, has a dry sense of humor, and can run really fast. He had threat ganglia, which warned him of coming danger, but then he hit puberty or something and they were replaced with spiky things, which can shoot at danger instead, which could be a metaphor for overcoming anxiety or could just be really fuckin’ metal.
5/5. There are very few Star Trek aliens I wouldn’t fuck, and very few Starfleet officers I wouldn’t fuck (except admirals), and Saru is both of these.
The Faun, Pan’s Labyrinth
In Guillermo del Toro’s Pan’s Labyrinth, the Faun is a guide to Ofelia in an eerie quest to reinstate herself as a magical princess, and also might be a figment of her imagination, or a metaphor, or something. Extremely tall, he also appears to be made of wood, with some extremely splendid horns, and he has some trickster fae aspects that mean you aren’t sure if you can trust him.
4/5. Listen, you can’t trust him and he has horns. These are two of my greatest kinks. He’s like the Lord of Darkness in Legend but creepier. Also, unlike most of the characters here, he actually has genitals, so that’s neat. Good for him. He does get a point knocked off for the possibility of splinters, and also because he may or may not be real, which I guess does make it hard to fuck.
The Pale Man, Pan’s Labyrinth
Doug Jones got an extra role in Pan’s Labyrinth as the most horrifying monster in del Toro’s extremely horrific gallery of horrifying monsters. The Pale Man is a grotesque white creature driven solely by appetite, who has eyes on the palms of his hands, and also is a metaphor for white colonialism, demonstrated by his constant need to consume. Everything. Including you.
-763/5. Fuck no. No no no.
Carl Swangee, Automata
Automata was a series of shorts (edited together as one 40-minute piece and distributed by Dust on YouTube) based on a comic, featuring an alternate 1930s where prohibition is not on alcohol, but on the manufacture of sapient robots. Carl is a private investigator with a dry sense of humor who works alongside his BFF Sam Regal. He’s loyal, strong, and clever. He’s also made of metal and plastic, so he’s a pretty good match for the rest of my sex life.
5/5. Listen, you listen to the part about “mice plans” and tell me you wouldn’t fuck him. And robots can apparently fuck in this version, since there’s a robot brothel. Look, just watch it, it’s fucking good and you can’t leave the house anyway.
Abe Sapien, Hellboy and Hellboy 2
Abe is a fish man. He’s a touch-telepath, extremely intelligent, who lives in a very large fish tank in a library when he’s not going on cool-ass missions with his buddy Hellboy, as played by Ron Perlman. He has the requisite dry sense of humor because this is apparently a requirement for all Doug Jones characters who are not terrifying. In the first one he’s voiced by David Hyde Pierce, which is great if you have a thing for Niles Crane (which you do, let’s be honest, everyone does, it’s okay) but in the second he has Doug Jones’ own voice, which he also uses to sing drunkenly with Hellboy, which also happens to be the finest scene in any film thus made.
10/5. Damien calls him my boyfriend. He’s smart, funny, and has a really weird hands. Hells yeah.
The Chamberlain, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
His head is square yet droopy, his arms and fingers are very long, and he never discovered waterproof eyeliner. Nice outfit, though.
1/5. I’m not mad at him, just doesn’t do it for me.
The Angel of Death, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
A nonbinary angel who uses she/her pronouns, the Angel of Death has a bony dish thing for a face with no eyes, which is fine because her wings have a lot of eyes! She speaks in an extremely eerie multi-voice, has an exposed ribcage that might be armor but is probably not, and is just an extremely cool monster.
4/5. I’m not sure if you CAN fuck her, but I’m down to try. It’d probably be a Lovecraftian experience that would exceed dimensional space but, like, you know, we all have our faults.
The Asset/Amphibian Man, The Shape of Water
Look, this is like the only one of Doug Jones’ characters who actually got to fuck anyone, but…I haven’t seen it. The main antagonist is a terrifying bigoted misogynistic white man, and I’ve had enough of those IRL. I like monster movies, not Actual Monsters. That said, he’s basically Abe Sapien with more scales and less verbal speech, and he’s a romantic lead, uniquely heroic, and amazing.
Man, I, Helios
He’s expressly not a monster in this, but I’m actually not even posting about fucking or anything. Does anyone have any idea what’s going on in this short? Can you explain it to me slowly? It was beautiful and engaging but I feel dumb now.
?/5. I don’t know what I just watched.
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This post is extremely not sponsored. Screencaps taken by either me or my spouse, and belong to their respective distributors, and are used here under fair use.
To the best of my knowledge: Hocus Pocus is property of Disney; Pan’s Labyrinth is property of Warner Bros; Automata is distributed by DUST; Hellboy and Hellboy 2: The Golden Army are properties of Sony; The Shape of Water belongs to Fox Searchlight Pictures; I, Helios belongs to James Berry. Doug Jones belongs, as far as I know, to himself. No offense or copyright infringement is meant by this post.