Review: Geeky Sex Toys TardAss

[Description: The TardAss paddle (described below) with a whole bunch of Doctor Who merch, both official and fan-made.]

Note: This was written back in January, when COVID-19 wasn’t really on the radar. Some details about shipping may have changed, or may change in the near future. At the time of this posting, though, orders have not shut down, and this is a great time to support smaller businesses like Geeky Sex Toys.

cw: impact play

UPDATE 10/28/21: Sadly, Geeky Sex Toys has closed down for the foreseeable future.

As I ever-so-subtly hinted in my Dildek review, I kind of like Doctor Who. I believe I’ve also mentioned—here and there—that I kind of like spanking. Geeky Sex Toys has thoughtfully combined my interests in one compact item, because they are Very Good People who do kind things. (Yes, I realize I intimated that they were evil geniuses last time. People are complex. You can be both.)

For those of you, again, who aren’t nerds: Doctor Who is a British sci fi series about an alien who travels in space and time in a ship called a Tardis. Due to a mechanical error (and a limited BBC budget in 1963), the ship is permanently stuck in the shape of a 60s police public call box. Over time, the original police boxes of London became obsolete, but Doctor Who continued, and so the image of the blue box became permanently associated with the science fiction series. The Tardis is so iconic—everything from the classic shade of blue to the light on top to the fact that it’s bigger on the inside—and you can probably summon Doctor Who fans wherever you are by playing a clip of its famous “vworp vworp” materializing sound. (Be prepared, should you try this, to deal with some disappointed nerds who thought that maybe the Doctor was here to visit. Queer Earthling is not liable for any damages or injuries caused by this experiment.)

The TardAss Paddle is pretty much what it sounds like. It’s a silicone spanking paddle shaped like a police box, with a handle so that you can hit your friends or loved ones with the image of an iconic spaceship. One side is smooth, but the other shows the shape of the doors and the sign. The handle has a hole at the end so you can loop a cord through it and hang it up, but its compact size means you can also keep it in a drawer with all of your other kink things and continually find it tangled up in your cuffs. Really, your storage options are endless.

[Description: An action figure of the Tenth Doctor, looking concerned at one too-small Tardis and one flat Tardis.]

I received it with the Dildek and, as I said in that review, the shipping was really fast from Australia, and they only charge $15, no matter where in the world you are. They mark every package as a “figurine.” Most sex toy retailers and manufacturers are pretty discreet these days (except Adam and Eve, which I’m told will also send you catalogs and advertisements until you die) but it’s still a nice detail.

The first thing I noticed is that the attention to detail is spectacular. The lines on the Tardis doors are clean and crisp, it has the shape on top for the little light, the silhouette is spot on, and the shade of blue is perfect. Anytime I look at it, my geeky little heart explodes in joy.

What I next noticed is that the paddle is kind of…floppy. Wibbly-wobbly, if you will. Damien, my beloved spouse, dom, and top, wanted to practice with it a lot before actually using it on me, because they weren’t sure they could control it. Just holding it up makes it flop around on the handle. Even once they’d practiced with it, they didn’t feel as in control of it as they liked when they spanked me—a few blows landed off-kilter or in places they didn’t intend. This is almost definitely something that would sort itself out with more practice, getting used to the weight of it, and so on. Any kink toy has some learning curve, and that’s fine! Learning can be half the fun.

As for the sensation…well.

Spanking toys are generally divided into two categories: stingy and thuddy. “Stingy” is a more surface-y sensation. At the extreme end, it’s like snapping your fingers with a rubber band. “Thuddy” is a deeper sensation that goes into the muscles rather than just ending at the surface. Some people prefer one, some prefer the other, and some like something in the middle, which I personally refer to as “slappy” but literally no one else on Earth does.

[Description: The TardAss with the similarly-sized Fetish Fantasy Rubber Paddle on a Tardis t-shirt made using bleach stenciling.]

The TardAss is extremely thuddy. When it comes down on my ass, I can feel it through my muscle and into my soul. (Yes, the soul is housed in the ass, did you not know this?) Oddly, because of the silicone, it can sometimes leave a surface “tingle” after the fact, like some stingy toys do, but otherwise there is almost no skin-surface sensation whatsoever, because it’s so thuddy.

I haven’t had a lot of experience with thuddy before—most of our toys are on the stingy end—because whenever I tried it, I couldn’t get very far into it before I needed to stop. I like my kink sessions to last longer than three smacks. But my endurance has gotten better over time. And it was turning my ass a wonderful shade of red with just a few blows, and Damien, despite the slight trouble wielding it, liked the effect. So I, fully armed with my safeword, nonetheless decided to endure the TardAss for a bit, to see if I got a taste for thuddy sensations.

I am heartbroken to report that I did not.

Turns out thuddy sensations just aren’t my jam. Stingy and slappy sensations hurt, but it’s a hurt I want. They feel good and satisfying to me; even a whipping that leaves me in tears feels like something I want. Thuddy sensations just feel very jarring and unpleasant to me. I’m glad I tried it, and very proud that I rode it out, but it’s just not a sensation I’m going to seek out in the future.

[Description: Three Tenth Doctor action figures, and the TardAss paddle.]

The good news is: mine is, astonishingly, not the only ass in the world. A lot of people love a solid thud. If you’re the kind of person who wants to get hit with a truncheon, you might like getting hit with a whole police box. The thud goes deep, and it’s very thorough. If you like thuddy sensations and Doctor Who, you need this toy. If you’re not sure if you like thuddy sensations or not? You might want to try it anyway. At $50, it’s not the cheapest toy out there, but it’s still pretty affordable compared to a lot of high-end impact toys on the market.

I wanted to like the TardAss so badly. And I’m still glad to have it in my collection. It’s a beautiful toy, and unique. Even knowing I don’t really like how it feels, I smile whenever I see it. While I’m a little sad that, at this stage in my life, it’s not a usable toy for me, I don’t regret trying it.

(By the way, here’s a picture of me and Damien with David Tennant, who played the tenth incarnation of the Doctor, because I really didn’t have a good way to segue into this but HOLY SHIT IT’S THE DOCTOR.) (Also yes we’re cosplaying as Crowley and Aziraphale.) (He said we looked “swell.” You know, if you’re wondering.)

[Description: Queer Earthling (right, dressed as Aziraphale) and spouse (left, dressed as Crowley) with David Tennant in the middle.]

The Bottom Line

Well, my bottom line didn’t like it, but yours might. It’s a good toy, it’s well-made, and it’s gorgeous. Despite not personally enjoying the sensations, and even with the slight wobbliness of the handle, I can nonetheless recommend the TardAss paddle to anyone who does want a thuddy spanking that’ll send them crying for the Doctor.

Buy from Geeky Sex Toys for $50

Use coupon code EARTHLING for 5% off any Geeky Sex Toys purchase!

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