In 2006, a friend of mine brought over a DVD set for a show she knew I would like. I’d heard of Doctor Who, vaguely, as an old British sci fi series from the 70s or something. But the DVD contained the 2005 series of the revival, starring Christopher Eccleston as the current incarnation of the Doctor. He traveled in time and space in a blue police box while grinning a lot, and frankly I was sold about halfway through episode 1.
For the next few years, I ate, drank, and breathed Doctor Who. I went home every weekend from college to watch the new episodes on BBC America, and during the week I’d watch classic episodes on YouTube. This was back when you weren’t allowed to post more than 10 minute clips of anything, so I’d watch entire serials (and the 1996 movie!) broken up into 9:57 chunks.
No, I didn’t get a lot of studying done.
Somewhere through Matt Smith’s run as the Doctor, I fell behind, and to this day I’m not remotely caught up. But the Doctor in all incarnations remains one of my favorite characters, and if a blue police box appears in my back yard, don’t expect any more Queer Earthling posts because I’m out of here.
So, naturally, when Geeky Sex Toys agreed to send me some toys to review, I beelined to the Doctor
Who Screw toys.
The Dildek is based on the Doctor’s classic and iconic enemy, the Daleks. For those of you who aren’t massive fucking nerds and yet somehow haven’t given up on this review yet, the Daleks are tentacled creatures who live their whole lives in pepperpot-like armor. They’re wholly evil, engineered to have no pity or mercy, considering every non-Dalek life to be worthless.
Naturally, you can now fuck one.
Geeky Sex Toys’ Dildek comes in two sizes and two color options. I chose the smaller one in gold. The texture excited me, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle so much texture and more girth. It arrived pretty quickly despite shipping from Australia during the holiday season. I had more trouble receiving something shipped from Denver the same week. For customs, Geeky Sex Toys just labels their items as a “figurine,” which not only adds a layer of discretion, but honestly fits the geeky thing, considering how often my metamour gets non-sex toys from overseas with roughly the same label. (They also charge only $15 for shipping worldwide.)
The Dildek itself is…majestic. It’s gently tapered, with ridges near the top and the classic Dalek bump markings from there to the base. The shiny gold silicone is beautiful, and the toy has just the tiniest give—it’s labeled as “medium density” but in practice it translates to something quite firm. And it looks enough like a Dalek that you could probably leave it out in your home on end, and people may not guess that it’s a sex toy (or, at least, there’s a bit of plausible deniability to it). For some people, a discreet sex toy is important due to snooping children, parents, roommates, whatever, and I think this fits the bill pretty well. It’s not a dildo, it’s a figurine. (They’re not dolls, Mom, they’re action figures.)
The base is flared well past the bumps, so it’s technically anal safe, but when I thought about using it that way my weak asshole started filling out change of address forms. It’s also harness compatible, and although it’s a little fiddly to put in the harness, once it’s in place it’s not going anywhere.
Visually, I love it, but as we know, looks aren’t everything. So let’s talk about the Dildek in use.
Sweet fucking Rassilon.
The Dildek is perfectly straight, without a G-spot curve, and it doesn’t fucking need one. The ridges near the tip are enough to tease on first insertion, and then you get to the…bumps.
(I tried to find out if they have a better name, canonically, and I got “Dalek bumps” and “hemispherical protrusions.” Thanks, BBC. Those are hard phrases to work into a sex toy review. Y’all really should have thought of that back in 1963.)
Anyway. The bumps. The hemispherical protrusions. The…look what the fuck ever, it doesn’t matter what they’re called. They are magical.
Here’s the thing about texture. I love it, but a lot of times, it gets…lost? Too much texture ends up all kind of smushing together when it reaches my vag. It’s nice, and the texture definitely contributes to the sensation, but it isn’t as distinct internally as it is to my fingers.
Not this time! The bumps are spaced with perfect precision, and because the silicone is fairly firm, they are very unyielding. So when I’m moving this dildo inside of me, I can feel everything, individually.
Through the magic of anatomy, this extremely pronounced texture inside my vagina (including, I should note, against my G-spot, which is why a G-spotty head isn’t a necessity) sends a signal to my clit which I can, I swear to God, feel as a spike of actual heat. That’s not an erotica-type metaphor. The signal says, “!!!!” and my clit replies with “!!!!!!!!” With a vibrator on my clit, that translates to serious orgasms, sometimes very quickly.
This toy works whether I’m thrusting or not, by the way. A thrust feels amazing, but sometimes it’s actually overwhelming, especially as I get closer to orgasm. So I just leave it there, and my vagina still feels those bumps. Also, bonus adventure: sometimes I’ll twist it while it’s inside of me. It’s a really weird and completely awesome sensation, unlike anything I’ve experienced.
This is what I love about fantasy/non-representational dildos. Don’t get me wrong, a realistic dildo can be great. But this thing is unique and delivers sensations you cannot duplicate with a human being—unless, of course, that human being helps you out by holding a dildo. And, of course, the fantasy options are endless! I mean, you don’t have to stick with a Dalek-based fantasy (although go for it if that floats your goat). In my imagination, the Dildek is usually the appendage of a friendlier kind of robot/android, or wielded by some other science fiction character or creature. Because fantasy dildos are limited only by your imagination.
Are there any drawbacks to the Dildek? Uh, well, it’s a little pricey at $69.99, although honestly…that’s not bad for a solid silicone dildo. It’s definitely not a toy I’d recommend for someone new to insertion, even if they really like Doctor Who. If you want extremely firm G-spot sensation, it’s a no go (but you might like the Magma, which I reviewed last year), and obviously if you don’t like texture I’m not sure why you’d look twice at it.
I was also right about the sizing—due to the texture and the tapering, the larger size would have been way too much for me. I sometimes struggle to get the last few inches of the smaller Dildek inside of me, not so much because of size but because everything is just. Very. Intense.
The Bottom Line
The Daleks were crafted by an evil genius for deadly efficiency. The Dildek was crafted by…well, I don’t know if the folks at Geeky Sex Toys are evil or not, but there’s definitely genius at work here. This is an awesome toy and I’m obsessed. Leaving aside my history of Doctor Who geekery, this is a well-made dildo, with incomparable texture. My vagina is grateful.
Just, uh, if you travel in the Tardis, maybe keep this one at the bottom of your suitcase; I don’t think the Doctor would approve.
Buy from Geeky Sex Toys for $69.99
UPDATE 9/10/20: I am heartbroken to report that the Dildek has been discontinued, but you can vote for its resurrection at their Product Graveyard.
Use coupon code EARTHLING for 5% off any Geeky Sex Toys purchase!
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I received this product for free from Geeky Sex Toys in exchange for my honest review. This review contains affiliate links.