Hearts are an easily recognizable symbol of love. Reportedly, the shape is based not on the anatomical feature, but on the fruit of an ancient plant. Silphium was possibly used as a contraceptive and abortifacient, and is now extinct, because we, as a species, fucked the plant out of existence.

Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching, so this romantic symbol is even more ubiquitous than usual. And honestly? I’m a sucker for it. I think it’s cute. So, naturally, when my spouse and I were picking out sex toys for Christmas, we decided to go with the Rianne S Heart Vibe. In addition to the cute shape, I liked the dark purple option and the pretty metal accents. The advertising image on SheVibe depicting it with shoes and a handbag were a little more Sex in the City than I’m into, but it wasn’t enough to dissuade me. And I’m passionate about inexpensive rechargeable vibes.

Once I received it, I fell in love with the look of it and the packaging. True, it was smaller than I expected, because as usual, I apparently can’t read descriptions, but the color was lovely, and it arrived in a beautiful purple box with an actual wax seal on it. I’m a sucker for aesthetic, and a wax seal is a good way to get into my heart.

It seemed reasonably strong in my hand—not a powerhouse, certainly, but it didn’t seem weaker than a decent bullet vibe. I’m not a powerqueen by any means, and I’ve really liked some weaker vibrators, so I wasn’t too worried. I was a little surprised that the plug hole was in the point of the heart—as a person who likes pinpoint stimulation, I’d expected that to be the point of contact with my clit—but I was undeterred. I’ve liked vibes that weren’t super pinpoint before, so it’s not a requirement. The one-button wasn’t ideal, but I had other vibes that had a single button control, and it was nicely unobtrusive, adding to the sleek, classy look of the Heart. So, once it was fully charged, I eagerly tried it.

And this is why an infatuation based solely on appearance is doomed to fail.

The Rianne S Heart Vibe has three steady settings and seven patterns, and all of them suck. The first one is almost rumbly, but both mild and kind of buried. My spouse described it as “I’d like to be rumbly, but over there” and “the La Croix of rumble.” The second level is much stronger, but buzzier, and even more distant. Damien thinks it feels like it’s oscillating, but badly. The third level is like…very powerful bees, in the next room. The patterns are patterns, sort of randomized. As usual, you have to click through all of them to get back to the steady speeds, except once you go through all the patterns, instead of starting at the lowest setting again, it turns off, which is weird.

The vibrations are not concentrated along the edge at all, but on the smooth, flat side of the heart, so my pinpoint-loving soul had no chance. This is probably for the best, because whenever I tried to use the edge anyway out of optimism/idiocy, I somehow got pubes stuck in the little seam between the chrome and the silicone. However, even on that “strongest” spot, the vibrations were so buried I found myself cramming the Heart into my body, trying to feel any sort of sensation that might maybe make me come.

Now, before we get any further, I will tell you: I did successfully have orgasms with this thing. But they were unfulfilling and felt…accidental? Like this thing wasn’t really trying to give me an orgasm, it was just a lucky happenstance.

(One time many years ago, I was on the phone with my now-spouse, gesticulating wildly, and in my overwhelming grace I punched myself in the tit, and spontaneously orgasmed. So yes, accidental orgasms are possible, and sometimes hilarious.)

The orgasms are extremely lackluster and not fulfilling. And that’s if they happen at all. This is, by no means, a guaranteed outcome. I am not difficult to bring to orgasm, and this thing is just. Frustrating.

“But Ollie,” you say, “perhaps if you used it with a dildo you’d like it better! That happens sometimes! The added stimulation can make everything else better!”

You would think, wouldn’t you? You’d fucking think.

Here’s the problem. Like many people with vaginas, if I insert a dildo, my labia deform around it because physics. This causes my clitoris to become more exposed, but it also makes the external clitoral tissue to shrink a bit, because there’s a dildo pressing it in on itself. You follow me?

As a result, the flat side of the heart literally does not make contact if I’m using a dildo. There’s a goddamn dildo in the way.

But I’m an optimist! I was sure I could like this vibe, because it’s cute and that’s what matters, right? And it’s waterproof! So I tried it in the shower. My cheapest, weakest vibrator is also my favorite shower vibe, because for some reason it just works best for me in that stance and that situation. Plus I had a really good shower fantasy! Nothing could go wrong!

Not only could I not come with the Heart in the shower, but I could barely feel it. It was so bad that I actually started laughing.

For the first time in my life, I understood a thing I read a lot on those pasty-white, extremely hetero, vanilla “sex tips” I read sometimes by accident. Often, they’ll suggest using a vibrator to “tease” during foreplay. I always thought this was a bit silly since for most people, a vibrator is a tool to help orgasm, not just to tease a little before moving onto intercourse, which is of course the true goal of all sexual interludes because literally anything else is just foreplay, which doesn’t count as sex, obviously.

Anyway, I get it now, because this vibrator is a goddamn tease.

You know what would be a great way to use this? Orgasm denial play. “You can only come if you can orgasm with the Rianne S Heart Vibe,” says some diabolical dom, handing them a fully charged purple heart thing, and then they laugh maniacally.

While I’m feeling salty, you remember those shoes and handbags I mentioned in the advertisement pictures? Apparently that’s a Rianne S thing. Their business approach is basically all about “things women like,” such as shoes, macarons, donuts, and purses. Their color options are invariably purple, pink, and coral. And their site copy is 100% about empowering women in bed. Look, that’s great, but let me once again reiterate something:

Not. Everyone. With. A. Clitoris. Is. A. Woman.

(Also, not all women like pink and shoes, what the fuck.)

(Also, let me just share this bit: “And for the single ladies? Pleasure products are just so much easier than a hand job. I assume you have a washing machine too, right :)” What year is this? Are you sure you’re a professional sex toy company? Why are you talking like a coy sitcom character in 2002? Also, there should be a question mark after “right.” I wouldn’t point that out if you hadn’t already annoyed me.)

So, is this toy worth buying for anyone? Maybe if you want to try that diabolical dom scenario I mentioned earlier. Maybe if you know someone with a clitoris (who MAY OR MAY NOT BE A WOMAN, RIANNE S) who’s intimidated by the whole idea of vibrators and also can orgasm with a stiff breeze to the clit. Maybe if you want something that’s chiefly decorative.

I will concede that it might work better if you’re thinner and your labia are less thick than mine. But I’m still not convinced.

Please look at the rest of my budget toy tag and find another vibrator if money is an issue. I can recommend the VeDO Bam for a pretty decent bullet vibe. If you want a pretty presentation, get your own box and make your own wax seal.

Do you want something sexy and heart-shaped for Valentine’s Day? How about a heart-shaped crop, a cute candy heart-themed butt plug, or a glass dildo with a heart on it? Or get a non-heart-shaped vibrator and a sincere Hallmark card.

The Bottom Line

With apologies to Jim Croce: you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t take the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don’t make a vibrator this shitty.

Don’t buy it from SheVibe [ETA no longer available anyway] in purple, pink, and coral for $29.99

Or don’t buy it from Betty’s Toy Box for $34.99

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