Vampire Hunter Kit: Sex Toy Style

[Description: An opened case full of vampire-hunting tools, such as stakes, a cross, and bottles of (fake) holy water.]

cw: religious-themed sex toys, vampires

From the time I was a young gothy nerd browsing the ancient Internet, when images took half an hour to load and Wikipedia wasn’t even an idea yet, I’ve been intrigued by people building vampire hunting kits. Usually made to be fairly weathered so they look like Victorian antiques, these kits consist of a portable case filled with items we associate with vampire or werewolf hunting—silver bullets, stakes and hammers, holy water.

After years of wanting to build one for years, I finally got around to it for this Halloween, because I like crafts and aging things, and because I knew it would be fun to have around. And because of the ever-present threat of vampires, naturally.

But as I was making plans for it, I remembered the fact that a crucifix dildo exists, and I wondered. If you’re fighting a vampire, would any crucifix work? Does it have to be blessed by a priest and made of wood, or would a silicone facsimile do? Wouldn’t it be good to have an item that you can use to save would-be Lucy Westenras and bring yourself pleasure on those lonely nights when the wind is howling and there’s not a villain to fight?

It then occurred to me that, really, maybe it’s impractical to have an entire kit that only serves one purpose. You could easily build a vampire hunting kit out of sex toys.

The Case

[Description: a battered leathery suitcase with a silver cross bolted to the top.]

Obviously, you need to be able to carry your vampire hunting kit with you—vampires aren’t going to stop by for a convenient staking, are they? The thing is, you can’t just throw everything into a tackle box and call it a day. There’s no style to that. No panache.

Luckily, SheVibe has a fair amount of storage options, and my personal favorite for this? The Liberator Moto Velvish Toy Bag in Espresso. It’s got that nice, antique-looking brown, it has a handle, and it’s pretty roomy. It even, if you squint, looks a bit like a doctor’s bag, so you’ve got a nice shout out to the original vampire hunter. Abraham Van Helsing of Dracula was primarily a doctor from the Netherlands who inexplicably spoke German instead of Dutch, and who knew all about the new technology of blood transfusions except that, inconveniently, blood typing hadn’t been discovered yet so he might have accidentally killed Lucy anyway. That’s not his fault, though. Also, remember that one time when he was Hugh Jackman?

The Stake and Hammer

[Description: wooden stakes and mallet, very dirty and aged-looking, resting on top of the suitcase.]

The hammer is easy, of course. Geeky Sex Toys offers not only a hammer, but the hammer—Möan-lnir, the hammer worthy of the gods. Blessed by a particular deity of thunder, you really can’t go wrong.

The stake might seem a little harder, since not a lot of people are into shoving splintery pieces of wood in sensitive places. (If you are, please don’t tell me. This is a newly-discovered hard limit.) But I think you could probably, with some effort, make do with a cone-shaped silicone toy. If you really think pointy wood is the best way to go, though, maybe you could whittle the end of a nice wooden dildo? Just make sure you remember which end is which. Failing all of that, the pointy end of Geeky Sex Toys’ RIP paddle might work.

Silver Bullets

[Description: A close-up of a single, very aged silver bullet.]

Sure, okay, these are associated with werewolves, but there are definitely movies that use silver bullets on vampires. Anyway, it’s important to diversify, so maybe having a few anti-werewolf items might be handy on occasion.

Fortunately, bullets are plentiful in the sex toy world, and silver isn’t an unpopular color. This chrome-colored Rocks Off bullet is a good budget option, and while I usually prefer rechargeable toys, I can’t deny that battery operated might be easier for the vampire hunter on the go. If you’d like something a little nicer, maybe the Vesper, which looks more like a giant nail, might work for you? (This might work for the stake above, actually.) Sure, neither of them are actual silver, but listen, I’m a sex toy reviewer, not a miracle worker.

Holy Water

[Description: Several sealed glass bottles with crosses on them in front of two skulls.]

Okay, look, as far as I know there’s no Holy Water infused lube, and that’s probably for the best for a variety of reasons. But you know what, that doesn’t mean you can’t have both handy. I’m partial to Sliquid, and if you’re going for aesthetics with your vampire hunting kit (and let’s be honest: you are) then Satin by Sliquid has a very pretty bottle. Just don’t get it mixed up with the Holy Water, or you’ll just end up with a slippery and very much alive (well, undead) vampire. On the other hand, it might encourage some sexy fun, so all isn’t lost.

Garlic

…okay, I can’t help you here. I honestly looked for garlic-shaped ball gags, garlic lube, or anything else, but for some reason, no one’s made anything. Just grab some garlic powder and go about your day at this point.

Happy hunting!


Queer Earthling does not endorse killing or hunting innocent monsters of any sort, so please use your judgment and err on the side of kindness. Queer Earthling cannot be held liable for any vampire clans who seek revenge even if the one you killed was a total douchebag.


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