Quietly Kinky

[A bone-shaped bar gag with a red strap and a matching pair of cuffs laying on green velvet]

cw: impact play and various other largely nonsexual kinky activities

Whether you have roommates, live with your parents, have exceptionally thin apartment walls, have kids, or you’re a character in A Quiet Place, sometimes you just can’t risk being loud with your kinky play. Most impact play in particular is extremely noisy, which is a pity; for many people who enjoy pain, it’s one of the easiest, least risky methods of pursuing that pleasure. As someone who’s a masochist in a poly relationship, I don’t really like my metamour overhearing my kinky play as it happens—not to mention not wanting to wake him up from naps or sleeping in, given the poor guy has a ridiculously stressful job. And limiting play to when he’s not home isn’t always possible.

Fortunately, kinky fun is still within our grasp! My partner and I have tirelessly researched activities that can be done without too much noise—provided I’m not the one making a lot of noise, of course.

Because my partner is asexual, my list of Quiet Kinky Fun doesn’t include things that involve genital contact, ‘cause that’s just not their jam. But I imagine if that’s something you’d enjoy, you can pretty easily include that. You’re creative. I have faith in you.

[A pair of black boots, red cuffs, and a wooden spoon sitting on green velvet]

Impact Play

I know, I know, I just said that impact play can be pretty loud, and it absolutely can. But in our purely scientific research, we determined that not all impact play is created equal. While you may have to experiment with your toys sometime when noise isn’t an issue, we’ve found that the best way to reduce the sound of an impact toy is to use something without a big slappy surface area. Put the paddle away for another day and use something straight but rounded—we found that both a heavy cane and the handle of a wooden spoon are wonderfully quiet, and produce very different sensations, the cane being pretty deeply thuddy and the handle being quite stingy (and leaving some really nice welts, if you like having a memento). Our homemade vinyl flogger (tutorial coming soon!) was also pretty quiet, probably for the same reason: it lacks the broad surface area but, rather, has several smaller falls that strike the skin in small areas individually.

If you really can’t stand that type of sensation and long for at least a little bit of a slapping sound, the business end of the wooden spoon was still quieter than the other toys we used, which all had some kind of leather or vinyl surface. I suspect with a fan on or some quiet music, no one could hear the spoon unless their ear was pressed to the door, which would be, you know, kind of creepy.

Of course, the harder you hit, the louder the toy will be on skin, so it might not be a bad idea to reduce the strength of a blow if noise is a concern. And a stern tap can, with some skill and patience, build up into some really nice pain, and make a session last longer.

If you’re wondering, our loudest toy was my beloved Skulls & Bones crop, and it didn’t matter how hard they hit me with it. SLAP SLAP SLAP, it said, emphatically.

Other Sensation Play

All that being said, impact isn’t the only way to scratch a masochistic (or sadistic) itch. In fact, literal scratching is a lovely sensation for a lot of people. Using nails, a back scratcher, or my favorite, a bristly hairbrush, scratching won’t leave permanent marks, but is an underrated sensation that can be pretty painful, or a little gentler. A Wartenberg wheel is a classic kinky toy that kind of looks like a villainous pie crimper, and vampire gloves can offer a number of scratchy or tickly sensations.

[Candles sticking out of red cuffs]

Wax play is another fun option that makes very little sound, and it’s pretty inexpensive—any soy candles are great as they have a lower melting point compared to beeswax, or you can buy some meant expressly for kink play. I have these and adore them. Personally, I find wax play almost instantly overwhelming, so it’s not something I can do frequently, but if we have some time to spare and we want a really intense scene, it’s a good choice. (It also combines really well with the hairbrush I mentioned—when Damien cleans the wax off of me, they’ll often scratch the stubborn wax off with the brush, and I basically melt away into goo. No sound required except whatever little squeaks I’ve probably made at some point.)

This is also a good time for nipple play/torture with some clamps, as well as other sensation play like temperature play, experimenting with biting, tickling, and so on. These can almost all be used in combination, or on their own.

Non-sensation Play

You can have a kinky afternoon without any sort of sensation play at all, if you so desire. Spend an afternoon ordering a sub around on minor tasks. Try out body writing. Practice kneeling or crawling or other methods of movement that show a subservient attitude, if that’s your thing. Lick a boot. Tie up someone you love and binge-watch Buffy together. There are plenty of things you can do in a kinky scene that doesn’t require any pain—which is great, because there really are plenty of kinksters who are neither sadists nor masochists, or who want to try something different, or who want to feel psychologically topped, not just physically. And most of those methods? Super quiet.

[A plush shark dressed like a pirate, with a bone-shaped gag in its mouth, and a wooden spoon and red candle sticking out of it shirt sleeves]

Other Tips

A gag might be useful during playtime if sound is an issue, provided you have other ways to communicate a safeword, such as dropping a jingly cat toy, and the top in question is still checking in sometimes. In my case, we have a hand gesture system in place when they check in: thumbs up is ‘okay,’ a flat palm is ‘need a break’ and a closed fist is ‘PLEASE STOP.’ In my case, I also find that I have an easier time being quiet if they expressly tell me to be quiet, and I really love the subby feelings I get when I follow directions.

White noise can cover a multitude of sins. Have a fan going, or some soft music, to cover up any little noises. You could maybe use a white noise app on your phone as well, which usually generate rain or coffee shop sounds for people to sleep or work to. (I suppose they could add immersion to a roleplay scenario as well. “And now I’m torturing your nipples in a restaurant, and you can’t make a sound!”)

Also, there is no reason a top needs to shout commands. A spoken voice is fine, and a whisper can be extremely intimate and intense.

Above all, as with all things kinky, creativity is key. BDSM can be as quiet—or as loud—as you like or need. The only boundaries are your imagination. And safe word. And hard limits.


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3 comments

  1. “Because my partner is asexual, my list of Quiet Kinky Fun doesn’t include things that involve genital contact, ‘cause that’s just not their jam.”

    I love hearing from someone whose partner is like me! Makes me feel less alone. I get both vanilla aces and kinky allos invalidating me a lot, so I’m glad to hear about another kinky ace – especially one who doesn’t want genital contact!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad I could make you feel validated and seen! Part of why I wanted to write this blog is because I *know* we aren’t the only nonsexual kinky people out there, but it’s hard to find stuff about it.

      Liked by 1 person

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