My RIP series concerns toys I’ve once loved that are discontinued, or that I can no longer recommend for various reasons.

cw: mentions of yeast infections, many pictures of cemeteries & tombstones

This post features product photos taken directly from Amazon.

I was going to launch this new RIP series because there are toys I love, or once loved, that are discontinued. I began this post thinking that would be the case here, and then quickly realized I’d have to slightly broaden the series goals to things that, for one reason or another, I can’t recommend. It seems that Doc Johnson’s Lucid Dream #14, unlike the others I’ll be discussing in future posts, is still available. You could buy it, on Prime even, and get it shipped to your house tomorrow. It seems to be the last holdout of the once wildly popular Lucid Dream series. I’m linking it at the bottom in the interest of full honesty. But I’m including it in this series anyway, because I cannot, in any good conscience, own or recommend this toy ever again, and in a way, I mourn it.

Let me back up a little. Lucid Dream #14 was the first vibrator I ever bought, a Christmas gift to myself in 2009. An online friend helped me pick it out, as I was working through depression and an oppressive Christian college environment. I would be leaving school at the end of the semester, with my last semester all done online, and to celebrate my new freedom, I wanted a sex toy. The friend in question gave me a few Amazon links, and then when I decided to go with this one, said, “Is it weird if I say…twinsies?”

Lucid Dream #14 seemed ideal to me as my first sex toy purchase. The reviews were good. It was pretty. It was non-phallic, which, as someone still uncomfortable with sexuality and recovering from trauma, was great. It was soft and pliable, which seemed less intimidating than the harder plastic options. And it could be used both clitorally and internally, which was great, since I was trying out new things and wanted a multipurpose toy for my first one.

Here’s the problem. The reason Lucid Dream #14 has that pretty, clear look is because it’s made out of absolute shit material. The materials are so shit that none of the sites I usually recommend would carry this thing—which is why I assumed it was no longer available.

Now, it isn’t to say that all clear or clear-ish toys are made out of bad material. There’s translucent silicone, which isn’t glass-clear but is very pretty. Obviously there are glass toys aplenty. Even hard plastic can be clear without any problems.

No, no, the problem is that the entire Lucid Dream line was softened plastic. Many plastic softeners are toxic in and of themselves (phthalates are banned in the use of children’s toys due to toxicity, but not in adult toys). Additionally, by softening the plastic, you’re turning a hard, non-porous material into a porous one. Porous toys can harbor bacteria and fungus, and are literally impossible to sanitize.

I loved the Lucid Dream #14. It was powerful, especially to a newbie like me, and because of its shape, I could try out the tapered end or the bigger end, figuring out what my body liked. I could use it internally if I wanted, although mostly that did nothing for me (still doesn’t, really) and I could use it clitorally. I loved that it was soft on the surface, and the neck had a very slight give. I had this thing for years, up until I found out about toxic toys and gave it an unceremonious funeral in the trash can. So, basically, I had this toy (or a replacement, since the first one died eventually) from about 2009 until maybe 2015, when I first read DangerousLilly’s site and learned about sex toy toxicity.

Whenever I masturbated (which was…frequent) I would itch and burn immediately after. Sometimes it would only last for a little while, and sometimes it would last until the next day. But this was my first toy, and I was somewhat sheltered—somehow, I just assumed that was a normal reaction to orgasm by vibrator.

If any of you think that, I am here to tell you: that is not how it’s supposed to go.

In addition, I spent those five or six years with constant yeast infections. I’d read somewhere that yeast infections were normal for some people with vaginas, so I just assumed, “Well, that’s just how it is, I guess.” An itchy vagina was just my lot in life.

No. It wasn’t. It’s because I was keeping around a fungus farm and putting it on my genitals for pleasure.

Now…it’s possible that if I had known, I wouldn’t have cared. The Lucid Dream #14 did give me excellent orgasms, and that’s why I mourn it still. To my memory, (which, admittedly, may be tinged with nostalgia,) the vibrations were extremely powerful. Instead of a button and a million patterns, the controls were a simple dial, highest setting to lowest, up until the first one started to die, at which point the settings were “EXTREMELY HIGH” or “nope.” I don’t remember if the motor was rumbly or buzzy, because at the time I didn’t have the experience to differentiate. I suspect it was buzzy because I remember sometimes having trouble reaching orgasm despite getting very close, which is something I’ve otherwise only experienced with buzzy toys, but I was also on antidepressants for most of the time I owned it, which can inhibit orgasm. And the pliable, toxic coating was gentle and pleasant. To this day, I prefer a vibrator that has a soft layer of silicone to cushion the vibration.

But like any toxic relationship, sometimes you have to learn to do what’s best for you, even if it’s difficult. The Lucid Dream #14 was, in some ways, a great first toy, but it’s one that I will never, ever recommend. The yeast infections were terrible, the post-masturbation itch-and-burn was not good, and I’m lucky that’s all that happened. Porous toys and toxicity can cause genuine, serious health concerns, from chemical burns to much worse infections.

Since then, however, I’ve been searching for a replacement. The general shape isn’t too hard to find, but for some reason, whenever I find one that has the shape and a layer of silicone, it’s often paired with extremely weak motors—and the silicone only dampens it further, instead of just adding a pleasing amount of cushion. And while the Lucid Dream #14 had its motor basically in the tip, most of them don’t. How is anyone supposed to get off like this?

The most recent attempt to replace it involved the Dorcel Expert G, another battery-powered toy that I got on an outing to a questionable sex shop (which will get its own review eventually). It’s definitely weaker than I remember the Lucid Dream being, but the slight squish is there, the general shape is there. I also liked Fun Factory’s Joupie, which I bought very soon after saying goodbye to the Lucid Dream, when my memory of it was fresher. It was smaller but had an extremely cushioned tip. Unfortunately, it only had one speed, and it died on me after a few months of use.

That said, I have my eye on a few other toys that might be valid substitutes. I’m going to be reviewing some Satisfyer vibrators in upcoming months that I suspect will be excellent replacements, and in fact probably better than the Lucid Dream ever was. [NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: The Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine has been one of my favorites for years now.] For something closer to the Lucid Dream’s price range, Blush Novelties has an extremely cute G-spot vibrator that looks promising, and comes in a bunch of bright colors. There’s also the classic egg-on-a-stick style of G-spot vibe that can stand in for a lot of the things I liked about the Lucid Dream #14, including the low price and beginner-friendly nature.

And maybe there will never be a perfect substitute. Perhaps part of the reason I loved it so much is because it was the first toy I had, and I had no comparisons. Perhaps if I tried something that was identical but body-safe, I’d no longer be impressed. Who knows? Sometimes, that’s how things go. We move on and find other things we love.

RIP, Lucid Dream #14. The orgasms were great, but I don’t miss the infections. At all.

You can buy it on Amazon but please don’t.

What was your first sex toy? What would you do differently if you knew then what you know now?

---

Like Queer Earthling? Check out my affiliates or buy me a coffee!

This post was not sponsored but may contain affiliate links.